The coldest part of Canada is Air Canada's customer support line
Fuck you Air Canada
So thereās this book, called āTake More Vacationsā Its 200 pages to say āDonāt be picky and you can travel more.ā
Hereās how they break it down: Say you need to go to Hawaii for one weekend. Thatās gonna be expensive.
But if you broaden your search to āI need to go to Hawaii sometime this yearā youāll have more opportunities to find a cheap flight.
And your opportunities for a cheap flight get even bigger if your criteria is āI need to go somewhere tropical sometime this lifetime.ā You might not land on Hawaii and it might not be soon, but itāll be cheap, so you can take more trips.
Fantastic, changed my life, 10/10 recommend.
Thereās only one thing Iād add for a revised addition (Scott if youāre reading this pay attention this is free editorial advice) and thatās an extra chapter about Stinkers. I knew people and diapers could be stinkers but I didnāt think airlines could be stinkers too.
Hereās how Iād write the chapter:
Before confirming your flight, check which airline youāre booking. Thereās a 1/5459 chance your international flight is gonna be a stinker, and 100% of the stinkers are Air Canada.
I thought I had nothing to fear.
After all, Canada is just Americaās Gay Little Brother.
For less money than itād take to bribe my way onto a cargo ship, I booked a flight to Canada. I was ready to step off that plane, take my government-assigned moose to Tim Hortons, and meet up with Fidel Castroās Son to smoke a phat joint. (*For anyone from church reading this, this is a joke Iām not smoking any blunts, phat or otherwise).
I needed to get dibs on the best moose (I need an albino one so I can pretend Iām in Pokemon Legends Arceus), so I installed the Air Canada App. Between the time I bought the tickets on my laptop and installed the app I did uh oopsie-doodle and forgot my password. So I go to reset my password and-
That was my fatal mistake.
I tried to reset my password.
Since I tried to reset my password while I had a VPN on, that set off the šØ Fraud Alarms šØ.
Accordion to Air Canada: Anyone who uses a VPN is a level 99999 elite Mr. Robot Hackerman who would only want to visit their country to overthrow their government. The subreddit for Air Canada is filled with stories of this company being unbelievably trigger happy with freezing accounts for āfraud.āĀ
So I go through the rigamarole to find out what I need to do next, and I learn I need to email them proof of identity. Okay. So I do that.
And now Iām waiting.
And then I realize
Wait.
My account is frozen.
Does that mean I canāt travel? Is my trip over before it began?!
I email them again (yeah I know double texting lmao i am SO thirsty) and ask, exooz me, am I a awwowed to twabul, and either they donāt take kindly to baby talk āround these parts, or theyāre slow with customer service, or the baby talk made them coom so hard they couldnāt type a response because of all the cum in their keyboard, just mountains of cum, piling up, never stopping, overflowing with coom (its fine theyāre in Canada they have the resources to handle it). And 3 weeks later I still havenāt gotten a response.
So I go for the nuclear option. I pick up the phone to talk to a customer service representative. Barf.
2 hours later and the hold music is still blaring. If I donāt update next week, one of two things happened:
Iām still on hold.
Iām successfully on my trip and Iām taking the edge off with a phat blunt at Tim Hortons, this time for real and absolutely not a joke.
I know Air Canada Subreddit is a better place to talk about this rather than yelling into the void on Substack. At least there I can find which cargo ship I should bribe next time I wanna visit Canada. But my only Reddit accounts that arenāt bannedĀ for attempts to overthrow the government are linked to fetish material and I donāt need a Ken Bone Moment blowing up in my face when everyone learns Iām into preggo chicks (*For anyone from church reading this, this is a joke Iām not into pregnant chicks Iām into fat chicks. )
This is the first time an airline served me such a heaping pile of shit before I even showed up, so, yeah, fuck āem.
Addendum: I wrote this months ago and everything was daijoubu! I was allowed on my trip and my account is unfrozen. Also I was only in Canada for a layover, the amount of Canadianness was deeply exaggerated for comedy reasons. Since this blog is classified under āHumorā I figure itās about time I workshop my Tight Five about airline food.
Iāve drafted more posts about my Tapir Travels. Let me know in the comments section if I should share them, or if I should just stick to being assmad about OEL Manga.
āPolyMonFur: How to be Polyamorous in a World of Monsters and Furriesā is my serialized ecchi light novel. Read it on Lumebento today (it's free!)
Thank you for reading!
Traveling sucks. Hope you found really good company and that albino moose :3
Tapir Travels sounds like a fun side quest gaiden for you to take from your main art adventures.
How fortunate that you managed to get it all sorted and that you brought this up on this very day!
Funnily enough, I was figuring out which airline to take in North America when going to Canada. The two routes I planned both had Air Canada on it, but after reading widely I have little confidence in the airline compared to the alternatives. I picked something else at the end of it.
Still, I heard problems with Air Canada's checked in luggage frequently enough that I may opt for a connecting flight instead of a direct flight for Air Canada if I ever want to go to Canada from Asia in the future.